Yeah, We Got Fucking Stoned

If we honestly hear another Versus announcer say how Varlamov stoned the Penguins again, we might resort to throwing off all our clothes in a sizzling fit of rage and begin streaking down the street, screaming Gary Bettman mixed with an insane amount of vulgarities. But for the sake that there might be creepy middle aged perverts lurking around (you never know), we'll spare the neighborhood.

But as if we don't already know that however-the-fuck-you-pronounce-his-name robbed some sick would be goals, the announcers over there on Dick Sucking Central just like to catapult it even more into every Pens fan's face. Thanks, MOFOs.

We were just stunned at how fantastic the Penguins' defense was at pulling vanishing acts. Because, hell they didn't make an appearance for the entire flippin' game.


Yo Gillsky. Last time we checked letting Ovechkin score was not on the game plan. So why don't you just bust your big 6'7 ass over there and steam roll the guy. We don't care if you get fifty pentalties and spend the rest of the game making friends with those people who hand you towels in the box, just knock the fucker on his ass.

Let it burn. I hope the Pens will just tape a picture of Ovie up in the locker room, so they can stare at his hillbilly smile and realize how he and the entire Russian Federation pwned their asses.
He's watching you...

But to be fair, not all the Pens sucked today. In fact, El Captaino went out with a BAM and made us all believe for a moment that we were Stayin' Alive. He receives the CERTIFIED BAMF award for the day.

You can almost hear him shrieking his adorable girlie squeal. Almost.

He was the Pittsburgh Penguins tonight. Siddo single-handedly placed the rest of his tired team's asses on his shoulders and almost brought this sucker into overtime until the Russian Ninja came out of nowhere and STONED him cold.

Well looks like you're just going to have to settle with seeing the few hats thrown on the ice by insanely brave Pens fans, bud. You tried. A for effort and looking like a Neutrogena model while at it.

Now that's what I'm talkin about.


Just a few notes to my favorite playoffers.

Dear Ryan Getiiinmypaaants,
If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays? kthanks.

Baby trust us, you make us scream too.



Dear Twelve Year Old Boy,
I totally called that you would dominate this series. Fo realz boyo, you've been winning me some hard dough, so I'm not complaining. Looks like losing your goldfish did you some good, because ever since then you've been on fiaaah. We've just gotta work on your haircuts and that pathetic excuse for a playoff beard. It has a striking resemblance to peach fuzz.

Dear Luongo, Scary Ginger Twins, and Co.,
Just a word to the wise...
You don't mess with this. Period.

Dear Big EZ,
I don't think I've watched a Canes playoff game this year without you scoring a goal. So all I'm sayin is just bury those stupid figure skating bumblebees. Don't make me resort to getting down on both knees and begging. Because I will. kthanks.

Dear Hockey's Trailer Park,
I hope Getz, Captain Hook, B Ry and team ruthlessly massacre you. Tears of pure and utter joy and happiness will stream down my face as I watch the looks of your devastated faces flash across my TV screen once the Ducks masticate you.
We won't take your shit.