Yeah, We Got Fucking Stoned

If we honestly hear another Versus announcer say how Varlamov stoned the Penguins again, we might resort to throwing off all our clothes in a sizzling fit of rage and begin streaking down the street, screaming Gary Bettman mixed with an insane amount of vulgarities. But for the sake that there might be creepy middle aged perverts lurking around (you never know), we'll spare the neighborhood.

But as if we don't already know that however-the-fuck-you-pronounce-his-name robbed some sick would be goals, the announcers over there on Dick Sucking Central just like to catapult it even more into every Pens fan's face. Thanks, MOFOs.

We were just stunned at how fantastic the Penguins' defense was at pulling vanishing acts. Because, hell they didn't make an appearance for the entire flippin' game.


Yo Gillsky. Last time we checked letting Ovechkin score was not on the game plan. So why don't you just bust your big 6'7 ass over there and steam roll the guy. We don't care if you get fifty pentalties and spend the rest of the game making friends with those people who hand you towels in the box, just knock the fucker on his ass.

Let it burn. I hope the Pens will just tape a picture of Ovie up in the locker room, so they can stare at his hillbilly smile and realize how he and the entire Russian Federation pwned their asses.
He's watching you...

But to be fair, not all the Pens sucked today. In fact, El Captaino went out with a BAM and made us all believe for a moment that we were Stayin' Alive. He receives the CERTIFIED BAMF award for the day.

You can almost hear him shrieking his adorable girlie squeal. Almost.

He was the Pittsburgh Penguins tonight. Siddo single-handedly placed the rest of his tired team's asses on his shoulders and almost brought this sucker into overtime until the Russian Ninja came out of nowhere and STONED him cold.

Well looks like you're just going to have to settle with seeing the few hats thrown on the ice by insanely brave Pens fans, bud. You tried. A for effort and looking like a Neutrogena model while at it.

Now that's what I'm talkin about.


Just a few notes to my favorite playoffers.

Dear Ryan Getiiinmypaaants,
If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays? kthanks.

Baby trust us, you make us scream too.



Dear Twelve Year Old Boy,
I totally called that you would dominate this series. Fo realz boyo, you've been winning me some hard dough, so I'm not complaining. Looks like losing your goldfish did you some good, because ever since then you've been on fiaaah. We've just gotta work on your haircuts and that pathetic excuse for a playoff beard. It has a striking resemblance to peach fuzz.

Dear Luongo, Scary Ginger Twins, and Co.,
Just a word to the wise...
You don't mess with this. Period.

Dear Big EZ,
I don't think I've watched a Canes playoff game this year without you scoring a goal. So all I'm sayin is just bury those stupid figure skating bumblebees. Don't make me resort to getting down on both knees and begging. Because I will. kthanks.

Dear Hockey's Trailer Park,
I hope Getz, Captain Hook, B Ry and team ruthlessly massacre you. Tears of pure and utter joy and happiness will stream down my face as I watch the looks of your devastated faces flash across my TV screen once the Ducks masticate you.
We won't take your shit.

My Eastern Playoff Bracket

Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadians

Bruins.

If I had to go up against Chara, I'd be so scared, I'd probably poop in my pants. Or cry my way to the locker room. *cough* Carey Price *cough* cough*

















Sing with me. Nah-nah-nah-nah. Nah-nah-nah-nah. Hey, hey, hey. Goodbye.

Game 2 was just a complete slaughter and embarrassment to every Hab fan known to mankind. Actually, this year's team is the real embarrassment. I'd be utterly shocked if they made it past this round. Happy 100th anniversary Montreal.














Not that I'm complaining or anything...

And just for kicks... A Bruin fan trying to steal Captain K's stick. Bravo.














But this series goes to the Big Bad Bruins. Yeah, they're kicking ass this year. Plus, I'd jump Blake Wheeler and Milan Lucic in a second.












The Boy Next Door
vs.
The Bad Ass

















Lucic's suspension just makes him that much more of a BAMF.

"While it is unclear whether Lucic's glove or stick makes contact with Lapierre, what is clear is that he delivered a reckless and forceful blow to the head of his opponent" - NHL Senior Executive Vice President of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell

Personally, I think this whole thing is total BS, but Looch should just take the suspension as a champ and add it to the collection of his bad assness.



I don't know. You decide...

So let's kick it old school boys, and finish this one up.
















Washington Capitals vs. New York Rangers

Rangers.

Ovechkin= DENIED AND FEELIN' IT.














&
King Henrik= the almighty savior of the Rangers. They should bow down to him before every game. Hell, if they win this series, he should get a freaking shrine in the locker room.

















Leading the series 2-0, the Rangers will be back at Madison Square Garden for the next two games and it's just home stretch from there... if they can keep shutting down the Caps.

But god knows, Ovie and Co., will not go down without a fight... or some butt kicking.



















But I'm hoping to see more of Sean Avery's beautiful face in the playoffs. Perhaps some more shaking the butt and hand waving in the face of goaltenders this year? Or just having a friendly chat will also do.


Feel the playoff love.

New Jersey Devils vs. Carolina Hurricanes

Devils.

How can you not root for the ZZPOP line?

It's an almost better bromance than Kaner/Tazer. Almost.

But seriously.

Zach Parise- career year.

Jamie Langenbrunner- career year.

Travis Zajac- career year.

Johnny Oduya- career year.

David Clarkson- career year.

Martin Brodeur- most wins of any goalie in NHL history.

Patrick Elias- second on the team in points with 78.

Gionta- fifth on the team for points behind Elias and ZZPOP with 60.

These boys are kicking ass and producing, as long as Marty stays strong and the sooner they get Langenbrunner back (he's day-to-day with a lower body injury), they can go far in these playoffs and can possibly be standing at the end holding Lord Stanley. Who knows. Anything is possible in the playoffs.



























Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers

Penguins.

Let's just make this clear: I HATE the Flyers... except for Carter who I had on my fantasy hockey team and was racking in the points for me. Thanks buddy.


But come on, the turn around the Penguins made in mere weeks, is beyond impressive. They started figuring out that the puck was actually supposed to go into the net.

Anyways, this is my favorite series of the playoffs thus far. For the various reasons below.

Note: Geno's face.

Hmm.... hockey at its finest. And you know there's more from where that came from. Every game is freaking battlefield. After every whistle, there's guaranteed to be at least one WWE match in the corner.

El Captaino is always the talk of the announcers. If I had a dollar for every question Pierre McGuire asked a Flyer about Sidney Crosby, I'd be able to buy my own NHL team by now. Nonetheless, Siddo isn't afraid to get himself mixed into the action. Hell, I'm sure he started half of those clashes just because he's Sidney fucking Crosby and he's basically destined to be hated.


But the best part has got to be the Flyer's fans. They don't shy away from their usual screw-every-team-except-the-Flyers attitude. The ever creative "Crosby Sucks" cheer is always a popular one. But during Game 3, the overwhelming heap of orange in Wachovia Center was beginning to burn my eyes. They were freaking everywhere. I seriously wonder if any Pens fan had even dared to come to the game for the fear of being mobbed by a sea of traffic cones.

I don't think I've ever hated the color orange more.


I do not know what's more painful: Staring at Pierre McGuire's bald head for two hours, or the brilliant vanishing acts displayed by the Penguins' defense.