Yeah, We Got Fucking Stoned

If we honestly hear another Versus announcer say how Varlamov stoned the Penguins again, we might resort to throwing off all our clothes in a sizzling fit of rage and begin streaking down the street, screaming Gary Bettman mixed with an insane amount of vulgarities. But for the sake that there might be creepy middle aged perverts lurking around (you never know), we'll spare the neighborhood.

But as if we don't already know that however-the-fuck-you-pronounce-his-name robbed some sick would be goals, the announcers over there on Dick Sucking Central just like to catapult it even more into every Pens fan's face. Thanks, MOFOs.

We were just stunned at how fantastic the Penguins' defense was at pulling vanishing acts. Because, hell they didn't make an appearance for the entire flippin' game.


Yo Gillsky. Last time we checked letting Ovechkin score was not on the game plan. So why don't you just bust your big 6'7 ass over there and steam roll the guy. We don't care if you get fifty pentalties and spend the rest of the game making friends with those people who hand you towels in the box, just knock the fucker on his ass.

Let it burn. I hope the Pens will just tape a picture of Ovie up in the locker room, so they can stare at his hillbilly smile and realize how he and the entire Russian Federation pwned their asses.
He's watching you...

But to be fair, not all the Pens sucked today. In fact, El Captaino went out with a BAM and made us all believe for a moment that we were Stayin' Alive. He receives the CERTIFIED BAMF award for the day.

You can almost hear him shrieking his adorable girlie squeal. Almost.

He was the Pittsburgh Penguins tonight. Siddo single-handedly placed the rest of his tired team's asses on his shoulders and almost brought this sucker into overtime until the Russian Ninja came out of nowhere and STONED him cold.

Well looks like you're just going to have to settle with seeing the few hats thrown on the ice by insanely brave Pens fans, bud. You tried. A for effort and looking like a Neutrogena model while at it.

Now that's what I'm talkin about.


Just a few notes to my favorite playoffers.

Dear Ryan Getiiinmypaaants,
If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays? kthanks.

Baby trust us, you make us scream too.



Dear Twelve Year Old Boy,
I totally called that you would dominate this series. Fo realz boyo, you've been winning me some hard dough, so I'm not complaining. Looks like losing your goldfish did you some good, because ever since then you've been on fiaaah. We've just gotta work on your haircuts and that pathetic excuse for a playoff beard. It has a striking resemblance to peach fuzz.

Dear Luongo, Scary Ginger Twins, and Co.,
Just a word to the wise...
You don't mess with this. Period.

Dear Big EZ,
I don't think I've watched a Canes playoff game this year without you scoring a goal. So all I'm sayin is just bury those stupid figure skating bumblebees. Don't make me resort to getting down on both knees and begging. Because I will. kthanks.

Dear Hockey's Trailer Park,
I hope Getz, Captain Hook, B Ry and team ruthlessly massacre you. Tears of pure and utter joy and happiness will stream down my face as I watch the looks of your devastated faces flash across my TV screen once the Ducks masticate you.
We won't take your shit.

Round Two...

Sorry we haven't been posting in a while, life caught up to us, and we've been too busy.

Round Two:

Let's kick it off with the West...

Anaheim and Detroit

I favor Anaheim in this series. They lost the first game, but they know how to comeback and win it. Anaheim has the Perry-Getzlaf-Ryan line that is definitely going to cause Detroit trouble. Then only downfall is that there defense can sometimes be shaky. Don't get me wrong, their Defense is definitely one of the best, but when its compared to Detroit's offense, they definitely lack. But, I have faith in the Ducks. And apparently I'm late on my Whitney hate, so I'll have to catch up on that.

Ducks in seven.

Chicago and Vancouver

I like Vancouver, but I love Chicago. In my opinion Chicago has what it takes. They are physical, they are gritty, and they can get the job done. So what if we dropped the first game? We can come back. I know it. Vancouver is a good team, it will be tough.

We got this though, Chicago in six.

Now onto the East...

Boston and Carolina

Eric Staal, Tuomo Ruutu, what more can I say?! Ok, maybe I'm a little biased because we have Eric's brother on our team, and Jarkko Ruutu is like my favorite person on the face of this earth. So there for I want Carolina to pull it through. They have their work cut out for them, but I believe they can pull it around. They are down the series by a game. Oh,well, I could careless about this series.

Pens and Caps

Pens in Six. Enough said.

“Whitney is not able to penetrate...”

FSN Pittsburgh gets its shit back together just in time to see the Columbus highlights. Apparently Columbus heard our pep talk and tied the game up 5-5. Nash and Umberger scored, I'm definitely happy. Until the third when Franzen buries it behind Mason. Columbus took seven fucking penalties, way to stay out of trouble. They came back twice from two-goal deficits, they were playing good hockey. They played good, kept it exciting, but still got swept. It's definitely disappointing, but there is always next year.

I don't know why this looks so awkward to me.

Ducks and Sharks

So apparently there was an earth quake during the first intermission. It was probably just Miro Satan opening the gate of hell to go home for the night. No biggie.

I missed the first period due to my general not caring of this series. I only care for one thing and one thing only, and thats Mr. James Wisniewski. My notes from this game generally consist of Wiz notes, so bare with the random inserts of Wiz love.

How can you not love him?!

Back to the game, Anaheim is all over the place. They are creating chances left and right. Just as I write that down, Getzlaf makes a beautiful pass and Bobby Ryan sends the puck sailing into the back of the net. Beautiful goal by Ryan. There was one down side to this goal, Ryan Whitney assisted. I hate this man for so many reasons. He is on a four game point streak, making me cringe at the sound of that. Why much Whitney perform well when the Pens don't? What the fuck Whitney, stop playing well. You're making it hard for me to hate your dirty ass.

There was a hit along the boards, causing the glass between the benches to shatter. Glass is every where, on the ice and on the benches. Apparently the Refs don't see it and play continues. Whitney gets hit, bringing a huge smile to my face. Gosh, do I love when he gets hit. The Refs finally see whats going on and stops play. Versus goes to a long ass commercial break, and then back to the studio with those three douche bags. I'm clearly confused, and not paying attention. I wasn't sure if it was a intermission or not. But Versus sends us back to the arena, where they are still fixing the glass between the benches. The announcers make a horrible “Ryan Connection” joke. Noting that Bobby Ryan, Ryan Getzlaf, and Ryan Whitney all had points on that goal. This is just a reminder of why I hate Versus and think Bob Errey should commentate every hockey game ever watched.

LOVE BOB ERREY

Game resumes and all of the sudden the whole arena is celebrating. Me, being an idiot, is thinking 'wow, they are really excited to see the glass get fixed.' Then I see Bobby Ryan's mug on the screen, and 'second goal of the night' underneath. Right off the face off, Anaheim is making things work. Wiz decides it's time for him to take a penalty. Holding on Wiz, cheap call. The game slows down after Anaheim kills the penalty. My attention span is small, so I quickly get distracted, only to realize I might be just as stupid as the Versus announcers. It finally dawns on me that Bobby Ryan can get a hattie.

The Sharks take a penalty with 1:42 to go. They kill off the first half. End of period.

The Sharks come back and kill the penalty to Marleau. Now, this is where my notes get a little crazy. The next thing I have written is ' Wiz is adorable, please come home?!'

I miss you Wiz, you look so good in red.

Versus are sucking Whitney's dick hardcore at this point. Pointing out his four game point streak, over and over again. Really, way to make my night worse. Thanks Versus.

Jonas Hiller is a fucking wall. Way to show up kid.

His eyes are amazing, by the way.

I had to put this picture in, due to his face.

Oh, Getzlaf, you need to check the players, not fart on them.

Now, by this time the game is about five minutes from being over, so I'm not really watching. Then I hear, probably the best thing to ever come out of the Versus announcers' mouths...

“Whitney is not able to penetrate...”

To all those girls, OK well to that one girl, out there who experienced this also with Whitney. Don't worry sweetheart, it's not just with you, Whitney can't get it up for anything.

Dirty.

Correy Perry scores, totally putting a win out of reach for the Sharks. Wiz is a mad man and is determined to get Hiller the shut out by basically laying down on the ice and absorbing the pucks. We love you Wiz, and this is just one reason why. Not to mention your overly priced clothing line.

There is a bit of a scrum in front of the net. Hiller is smart and gets the hell away from it, protecting the puck in his glove still. Someone should tell him that he doesn't have to keep the puck when the whistle blew. Whitney somehow gets into the middle of the scrum, and I'm literally on my knees praying for someone to engage this man in a fight. I'm disappointed once again tonight. The clock is winding down, Miller fires at an empty net and scores.

Ducks win it 4-0.

Hero of the game: Three way tie.

One: James Wisniewski, for being Wiz. We really miss you.

Two: Jonas Hiller for being a fucking wall in the net and getting the job done. And for having fucking amazing blue eyes.

Three: Ryan Whitney, I really appreciate him being there for me to make fun of. It means a lot after a loss to come home, turn on the TV, and be reminded that things could be much worse...Whitney could still be a Penguin. Thank god for Ray Shero making the first smart move of his career.

Rangers can get it done tonight, sending Ovie back to Russia. Come on Rangers, we got this.

WE DON'T GOT THIS!?

Before I get started with tonight’s recap, I’d like to point something out that really probably should have already been announced. I’d like to take this time to say that everything that we do or say that you recognize from Puck Huffers is not intentional. Think nicknames, or made up stories about what we know the guys do in their off time. The reason this blog was started was because we like the way the talented chicks over there do things. We’re not trying to be like them, nor do we want to be. Individuality is key, sweethearts. We all read their blog religiously, and apologize to both them and the readers if anything is repeated. It’s not that we’re meaning to ‘steal’ the things they rightfully came up with, it’s just after reading them for so long, things just kind of sick. We respect any of their decisions if they choose to contact us with a problem.

Alright, on to the recap.

It seemed like it took for-fucking-ever for the clock on my wall to reach 6:30. I sat down with my 55 ounce bag of Reese Cups and turned on pregame.

Game four. Man, is this a huge one. Either we got this, or we don’t. We’ll see.

Everyone across America (including my mother, who is in Cali) watching cringes slightly when we’re informed that Sykora will not be playing tonight. Our bodies break out into a full shudder of fear when we’re told that Letang is probably not taking the ice either. Satan in. Stan Savran takes this time to tell us how much of a disappointment Miro is. Poor man. It’s okay, Miro, I have faith in you. Unfortunately, they keep us waiting on the final word for Kristopher. “It’s a game time decision.”

Bob Errey’s Power Points informs us that the guys will need to press the importance of sacrifice, discipline, and first goals to win this game. Oh gosh.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SORRY TO SAY, BUT FSN PITTSBURGH HAS MOMENTAIRLY CHANGED TO FSN PHILADELPHIA FOR PREGAME.

From this point on, Penguins fans found it hard to hold down their food. Three Scott Hartnell interviews in a row, some Knuble and some more Head Coach John Stevens. The Flyers officially took over our pregame. I’m pretty sure we saw more of Scott Hartnell’s double chin than we saw any penguins.

Luckily, Head Coach Danny heard our cries and broke that up for his interview with Danny Potash. But, no new Tanger news, at this point, we all know that he’s not playing tonight. Even though tomorrow is his twenty second birthday. Happy birthday, sweetheart, get some rest and we’ll see you soon.

START GAME.

The white out makes me want to cry. It’s a fucking masterpiece of brilliance.

The game starts out pretty simple. Both teams are looking good, and the goalies on both ends are facing shots.

Does anyone else find it funny that the first time Boucher touched the puck, he was offside? Anyway.

I once again have Jstaal’s unit written down a million times. The third-first line is looking pretty awesome. TK is a madman tonight. They’re looking hot. They want this. We got this, even Bob Errey loves that line. That’s pretty damn compromising. “The Carter unit can’t handle the Staal unit.

Kennedy missed an open net, but that’s okay. The fans are deafening and the wave of momentum seems to be building by the second.

The Pens get called on a delayed penalty. It took them over a minute to touch up. Staalsy takes the first penalty of the game for roughing. He’s not worried. He knows there are potential bitches in that box for him to pimp. He knows our kill has been epic.

Killed. The second Hartnell touched the puck, Pittsburgh booed him. This is the appropriate time to link you to this video.

Crosby’s looking good. He always comes out big in huge games. He got our backs. So much that he draws a penalty to get us some gorgeous shots at the net Biron is guarding. No dice. Killed. The PP has been down lately, like its suddenly missing Whitney or something. Buck up, sweetheart. We have a damn series to win. Captain Cros is tearing up in the faceoff circle, which makes everything seem alright afterall.

The end of the period runs out with a huge hit on Briere.

Once again, that amazing FSN commercial featuring pretty boy Kristopher Letang makes me feel at ease. Even if he’s not playing, he can take a break from his intense game of Cranium with Mario to be with us in spirit.

SECOND.

I seem to be the only one who found it amusing that they showed both TK and Staalsy at the same time, chewing their mouth guards, and the fact that Malkin got kicked out of three faceoffs already. Whatevs.

While some effortless puck battling behind the cage by Eaton-park and Boucher was going down, JStaal mans the net before making his way back there to show them bitches who is boss. Top defensive player, what?

Cue FSN Pittsburgh to suck at life. The black screen failed to tell any of us what was going on. At this point, both Liz and I are freaking out. After finally getting the radio feed, I get there in time to hear “No goal.” Later, I am told that Sir Evgeni Malkin was robbed of a goal. Whatevs.

Next thing we know it, I’m on the phone with my mom screaming about how Lupul just scored. This is FSN’s fault, damnit.

0-1 Flyers.

FSN doesn’t get it’s shit together until the second intermission, just in time to show us a Maxie interview. He knows what’s up. I’d like to point out that the feed went out at 8:08, and didn’t come back until 8:42. Fuck that shit.

Paul Alexander, who I might add that I hate with a fucking passion, gave us the scores of the other games around the league. He also pronounces ‘Brodeur’ incorrectly. Faggot.

The intense Malkin commercial always makes me smile. The music is pretty cool, and his skating is stellar. Random. It’s whatevs.

THIRD.

Scuds goes off as soon as the period starts. Ugh. We’re only down by one, we can do this, right?

I have ‘Fleur is BEAST!’ crossed out pretty damn viciously.

0-2 Flyers.

The Pens got extremely sloppy at this point and so has my writing. Bare with me, I can hardly read it. Fifteen minutes. We have time to get sharp and win, right?

Direct quote from my notes:
“CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR.
Way to put that home ice advantage to waste.
Man, I miss Colby.”

I am now informed that the FSN studios in Atlanta was hit by lightning. Oops. I suddenly feel bad for bitching so damn much. Oh well.

Bob Errey tells us about a “Christmas tree like” glove dryer. Nifty. At this point, this is the only interesting and non-frustrating thing to blog about. Stay with me.

Gonch makes a killer play. Batting the puck with his gloved hand straight to Geno’s stick, they had no choice but to not touch the puck. The Flyers also refused to touch up, wanting to force the Pens into touching it to draw the whistle. So Gonch decides to just go get it him damn self. Problem solved. What a vet.

The Pens are picking up their play, but nothing seems to be going their way. Biron’s rock solid.

Wham bam, thank you ma’am. Knuble. With a little over six minutes left.

0-3 Flyers.

“WE ARE FUCKED.”

Eaton goes to the box for whatever. Cros gets pissy and slashes up some caddie. 5-3.

Only 8% of the time is a team able to come back and win in this situation. Thanks for killing what little hope we had left, Steigy.

Scuderi is still a mad man on the two man advantage for the Flyers. He doesn’t give up. What a man.

Timonen off for whatever he did to Staalsy while Jordo drove to the net for a shorthanded opportunity.

Philly’s got hope. They’re not going to give up on this series. If the Pens don’t win this in the next game on Saturday, we’re screwed.

Cros goes off again for crosschecking to defend his boy, Geno with 30.4 seconds left. Whatevs.

0-3.
Pens lose. Shut out by the Caddies.

It’s Whitney’s fault, damnit.

FML.

This loss is like getting your new born baby taken away from you forever. It fucking sucks. We were all ready to party after the game in celebration of the home team moving on to round two.

Bonus FML : I almost burnt down my house with 15 seconds left on the clock. My house is still smoky.

Double Bonus FML : I burnt my fucking hand and it hurts like a bitch.

We need to get this in six. We can do it. Don’t think too much about this game and get ready for game six. We got this.

Go Pens.

p.s. I'll add pictures from the game tomorrow. Maybe. The press is slow tonight. Caddies.

Rangers

Columbus and Whoeverthefuckthatotherteamis.

Yeah, sorry I don't speak of them, unless its an entire rant about how much I hate them. I am not Sidney Crosby, I cannot lie to you and tell you that I put last years loss behind me at the start of this season. Sidney is a stand up guy, therefore, hes fucking amazing with the media, and pretending hes being honest and is as cold as stone. Sorry Sid, you are just too smooth for me.

Anyways, Columbus, Ohio, my neighboring state, has just witnessed its first home playoff game. Sorry it was a loss, keep the hope alive, boys. I have faith in you. My hometown boy will pull us through, isn't that right, RJ? Yeah I know you will. I have this thing for underdogs, we all do here at this blog. It pulls on our heartstrings, which clouds our vision, and we temporarily think Rick Nash is the new sexiest man alive. Thank god that's a temporary feeling. We all love Columbus here, Rick Nash, RJ Umberger, Steve Mason, and Antoine Vermette steal the show for us. OK, so enough about my excessive love for the Blue Jackets. They come into last night's game, down the series 2-0. You would think the boys would step their game up, but they disappoint. (Welcome to my eternal optimist time. ) It's alright boys, you can make history. Just win the next four games and you got it. I believe in the Jackets, I just hope they believe too.

ThepeopleIdontspeakof, win tonight's game. If Columbus was on their A game, then they would be making a great run. It's alright boys, we still have this. Fuck you, other team, fuck you. Columbus comes back late in the third to score a power play goal. Good job RJ! Umberger scores, Nash and Williams assist, all is good. Then Detroit gets an empty netter I believe, and the game is over. But, like I said before, I am the eternal optimist for the Jackets. WE got this boys.

This man believes, a little small there buddy, but good try.

Now onto the Blues.

Due to the Pens game, I only caught the game from the half of the third on. So apparently four goals were scored. For the Canucks it was Wellwood and Burrows, for the blues it was Boyes and Perron. I'm not going to lie, in this series I was torn, just like with San Jose and Anaheim. I'm a Blues fan, Berglund and Oshie are the best combination ever. I just love the Canuck, they are a classy team, that has been through a lot in the past year.

Chris Mason was a fucking wall in the third, taking notes from Fleury, eh?

The camera man zooms in on Luongo doing stretches on the ice, making my mind go off on a sexually driven escapade. Then the words 'tender and gingerly' are spoken, ripping me from my fantasy. Sorry Blues, didn't mean to be a traitor, maybe if you put Berglund on the ice a little more, he'd be the one in my thoughts.

So overtime comes, and I'm all into the game. The Blues are bringing their A game, and Oshie is a monster. Hes skating beautifully, and is on a fucking mission. To bad he had trouble getting the puck to stay with him. It's OK Oshie, Lyssa still loves you.

Mason is a fucking wall again. Hes making so many damn saves I'm just praying he can hold on. Then, the blues get a four minute power play. This is our time, Blues fans, start cheering! Then, all of a sudden I get a IM from Jackie saying:

Totally getting my hopes up there. Literally two seconds later Oshie gets a huge chance, but can't complete it. As the four minute power play was a fail. Way to go boys, your on the verge of elimination, must I remind you again?! Theres fucking 19 seconds left, as Burrows gets the puck. I'm praying Mason can hold him off, taking it that his defense is no where in sight. Burrows scores. Way to get your asses swept boys. But they are troopers and salute their fans. They are one classy team those Blues. If any one had to score, I'm glad it was Burrows. I love him, his first goal of the season that he celebrated the way Luc Bourdon did, always makes me cry. That was one of the saddest/cutest things I've seen in my life. I love Burrows.

Canucks win it. Blues get swept. My heart breaks slightly.

We'll get them next year boys. Keep your heads up.

Last nights games were decent, all I watched was the Rangers and Caps. Sorry this is short, but I have the Pens game in two hours. I need to get to my pregame ritual, aka swooning over the pregame on FSN.

Once again, my boy Avery is getting molested. Dear Washington, not matter how much you touch him, doesn't mean hes going to crawl in you bed tonight. Good try. Varly is making decent saves, and then three seconds later giving up goals. Rangers score, no one knows who to give it to. They changed that scorer three times. Sorry Naslund and Dubi, it's going to Mara.

Period two comes around, and I'm feeling pretty optimistic that the boys in blue are going to pull this one out. Lundqvist starts making highlight reel saves, causing the crowd to chant “Henry”. I must say, King Henrik was on his game tonight. I'm too concerned with that beautiful goalie to realize that Drury just scored an amazing goal. Nice job, Captain.

Rangers defense is killing it tonight. Good job Marc, keep playing like this and you might just become the second favorite Staal, behind Jordan of course. King Henrik is closing the door left and right, sorry Semin, not this time. Way to protect your throne, Henrik.

Ovechkin scores. Hello defense, where are you? It's OK, we don't care, we still have this. That's the only goal Ovie will get this series.

Sean Avery is back to his old ways, which is the Avery I adore. Avery takes a hit on Jurcina. “Ohh fuck he's bleeding” my thoughts exactly. I was convinced it'd be a four minute, but no, just two. The crowd starts chanting “Avery”, now those are my type of fans.

I love him.

Henrik continues to dominate, Callahan misses and open net, buzzer sounds. Rangers win it 2-1. All is good.

Series is Rangers 3 – Washington 1.

Now onto something fun...

We decided to try something new. While watching the Blues game we noticed a name that stuck out. Carlo Colaiacovo. That last name is seriously one of the best. We're not saying it is the best, but its up there. We want your opinion on this. Let us know who is your top five favorite last names in the league. If the last name you like is in the AHL or OHL we might consider it. Send us a message at thethirdmanin@gmail.com

How Big is Your Knob?

If you think hockey games are dirty, you have seen nothing yet. Recently we came across a few videos that left us feeling filthier than Ryan Whitney's luffa. Thanks you, Cabbie.

So seriously,

How Big is Your Knob?

As Baldy Getzlaf would say, "Wow, that's a loaded question."

But apparently, Sidney Crosby's is "not huge, but it's not small." Aw Sid, sweetie, aren't we being a little modest? We all know you've got a big knob.


We were talking about his hockey stick....

Perverts.

If that didn't satisfy your tainted sex fantasies enough, then Flower and JStaal can do the trick.

Jordan explains to us why Marcy Marc would make such a great foward. If you don't feel like watching all of the video and finding out that Steve Mason actually has gone through puberty, fast forward to 3:25.

Man, do we love these sneaky bastards.

And obviously so does Gods.


If only to be in the middle of that bromantic hug...

It'd be even more amazing if Goddard was wearing his red pimp suit.

You work it, Gods.

"By the hair on their chinny-chin-chin!"

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